BE A DEDICATED NEUROTIC How to make yourself miserable

(author unknown)
1. Remember the past. . . . and regret it; Abhor the present; Dread the future

2. Become preoccupied with the body, and make a long list of symptoms. Make them sound very clinical and professional.

3. Blame somebody! Hold your boss, your wife, your partner, your neighbor, your kid, etc. responsible for your miseries.

4. Feel trapped! You can't declare your own independence without hurting someone's feelings.

5. Over-eat. Rationalize and Eat! Eat an insulated wall around yourself. . . Diet for a few days and say it doesn't work for you.

6. Self-pity. No matter what, feel SORRY for yourself! Agonize over things about which no one else cares.

7. Fear of trying. Don't ever try! That way nobody can accuse you of failure. You can always say: "But I could have done it."

8. Timidity. Stress how shy you are. Insist that the world must come to you: you're SPECIAL!

9. Be aggressive. Be sure to hurt other people in your language and actions.

10. Escape in negativism. Never listen to anyone! Kiss off all valid advice. When you need an opinion, you'll ask for it.

11. Never forgive. Look for the mistakes of others. . .if you can't find enough, manufacture some!

12. Eat food that give acid indigestion. Complain about it for immediate attention. Nothing is better. Use worry to keep it upset until you have an ulcer. Cheerfully explain that half a gut is better than none. It's better that a by-pass.

13. Escape in caffeine and chocolate, or other chemical substances. Nobody has the same reasons that you have! Your motivations are completely unique.

14. Be a perfectionist! Never be satisfied! Tell yourself you can always do better. . and better. . and better. . apologize for everything, no matter how well done it is. Keep knocking yourself out. You have to work yourself to death to be worthy of being loved.

15. Be a martyr. Brag about your self-sacrifice. Sigh a lot. Martyrs must always sigh because of their suffering. Everyone takes advantage of you, so elicit sympathy.